if we can never really relate to each other the way we wish we could and the way we try to, how is it that we can feel such closeness? it’s probably because we need to keep ourselves close to the parts of our self we share externally. we feel intimate with other people because we know that somewhere within them, we have imbued a part of ourselves – through stories, time, emotions, expressions. it is crucial to our social and emotional survival that we don’t let what we perceive to be our personal truths, out to too many people. once we let a person know, we must keep those people close to us. essentially, we form bonds to keep ourselves safe and happy.
January: being in love with the wrong person, not eating enough, aspiring to be as ‘sexy’ as possible, working out four times per week, break up, high expectations, resentment.
February: dating ex and hiding from other ex, anorexia, trying to be perfect, carrying a large binder around school and being studious and focused, lots of gym, make up obsession, disappointing myself.
March: stopped dating ex, sliding into depression, withdrawing from everyone, really good abs/legs/ butt, listening to the smiths a lot, road trip to the mountains, really long nails always perfectly painted, bryana holly, thought my face was very ugly.
April: not coping with anything, staying home from school, alone at lunch time, back with ex-ex, always wearing plaits, feeling nothing.
May: always staying home and never talking to anyone, always having a cold, listening to ultraviolence, writing sad songs, losing weight – 45kg.
June: confused 100% of the time, boyfriend cheated, break up, lost 5kg, took fluoxetine and became suicidal, spent every school day in sick bay.
July: felt nothing, planned my funeral, ignored everyone, stopped going to school.
August: left school on the pretense that it was a temporary break, blogilates all day, suicidal, the vampire diaries, very pretty face/ugly soul.
September: didn’t return to school, kept watching tv all day, ariana grande, mum went to france, left alone, snow, a lot of gym, grandma and grandpa, stopped taking fluoxetine.
October: got a job and worked all day everyday, crunches, masturbaton, gossip girl, fell in obsession with the japanese chef, 1989, underpaid and always tired.
November: work, money, weight gain, regret, depression eased and reality set in, applied for distance education to repeat, jaded, spiteful.
December: warm and fuzzy, writing poetry, ten don, love (actually just weird obsession), worried about body, wearing sexy clothes.
we identify with out attractiveness. we identify with our beauty, while ignoring the way we are built – biologically and spiritually. we spend too much time trying to perfect the beauty of our physical appearance, when it isn’t ours to take credit for. we feel satisfied and flattered when our outward attractiveness is noticed, but we played no role it creating that face. why do we keep taking credit for our unlikely appearance, which is ultimately impermanent?
it is totally impossible that we even ended up with the faces we have; it required intricate genetic combinations which could have been dramatically reformed by any small generational alteration which occurred at some point over millions of years. it would have been very easy and likely for every face to be completely different or not exist at all, so why do we spend so much time hating and trying to perfect something which is not even ours to love, hate, or take credit for? credit goes to the intricate web of nature, and we have no part in deciding how these faces turn out.
we do have a part in deciding how we construct our soul. we construct the person we are and our soul essence through what we ‘feed’ ourselves. we can take credit for having a beautiful soul because we have the choice to fuel the soul everyday, in a way that can change and improve it, or destroy it.
every explanation of death and afterlife affirms the impermanence and ultimate disappearance of the physical self, but says that a spiritual essence lives on. why do we continue to take credit for something we play no role in creating and something which will decompose, when we can create a beautiful soul, take genuine credit for the person we are and perhaps have that soul live on in another dimension? appearance is an accessory to our consciousness, so stop accesssorising a petty face with a personality and create yourself.
Why do people fear being alone? Why is it that people site being alone as one of the more difficult and unpleasant everyday experiences? I don’t really know if we ever experience being truly alone anymore; we have too many things available to distract us from ourselves. However, I feel that to spend time alone without being distracted from ourselves is probably one of the most valuable and enlightening things we can do.
I feel the fear of being alone, stems from our fear of confronting our unpleasantness. Being alone for ‘too long’ is the point at which we start to see and experience our worst qualities – the qualities we suppress and try to hide from ourselves and especially from the world. We shy away from experiencing negative thoughts in the name of staying positive, but I’ve never believed it is helpful it it is to deny responsibility for our unpleasantness.
Some say that it is best and right to suppress the natural unpleasantness which occurs within all of us, and live as normally as possible. However, I want to challenge that and push through the point of being alone for ‘too long’, to a point where we have to confront and accept how difficult we can be. Learn how nice you can be; your interests and what is interesting about you. Feel good about that, but don’t label your difficult ~things~ with badness or guilt in contrast.
When you feel like you’ve been alone too long, sit with it. Listen to your unpleasantness, know your unpleasantness, but don’t feel bad about it. Rather, take responsibility for what makes you difficult or irritating. Unpleasantness within is not circumstantial or a passing phase; it is a fixed weight to balance our spectrum of being human.
I feel like it is unrealistic to jump to defense when people find us difficult. Rather, take responsibility for what makes you hard to live with or sometimes hard to love. Take responsibility for and understand that you can be loved as a full and dynamic person. Don’t beat yourself up for exposing your unpleasantness to those you love, instead of focusing solely on being lovable.
It is when responsibility for our unpleasantness has been accepted, that love becomes a full experience. Love becomes a shared experience based on admiration and generosity towards what is unappealing about each other. While it feels good to be loved and admired for our good qualities, it is totally permissible and fair to expose your unpleasantness honestly to those who are close, and have our weaknesses inspire kindness.
when religion faded from my life i felt quite concerned by my absolute impermanence. would my family go somewhere i wasn’t allowed? would i really never see them again if i didn’t have a god? would good things happen on earth that i would miss out on? would i miss the best sunrise or sunset there had ever been? why did i collect so many things in a brain that was destined to decompose?
i spent time musing on the two very conflicting approaches to accepting death: spiritual eternity or embracing impermanence. a lot of people choose to believe that life goes on and on and on in different realms, but is it really living fully to never assume that there is a very probable nothingness; not only for us but for the entire universe and whatever lies beyond?
i found comfort in the total impossibility of ever being alive. it was totally impossible that this universe and this planet and this person were ever even created. i can’t even comprehend where nothingness existed before some tiny speck of light created us and the expanse of earth, nature and heaven we will never really understand. there was no reason for it to become and no reason for it to remain and no reason for it to end, but it did and it does and it will.
that is what gives me comfort – that i have been allowed some completely strange and impossible period of time to experience something so unlikely. i find comfort in the fact that i will end, but every step taken will have been a complete coincidence. i find comfort in the fact that i will end, but even more quickly than that fading breath, a speck of light will obliterate everything. death isn’t to be taken personally. it isn’t the end, it isn’t the beginning, it’s just something that happens by chance. the universe and the expanse beyond knowledge will be completely gone. earth will be gone and everything will be nothing…not just me.
how much of our interactions with others are based on pretending? pretending to be interested in their anecdotes, pretending to be interested when they answer our questions in too many words, pretending to be curious about their passions? we care about them, we care about what they say, we care about their passions. but how often do we have to carefully craft the right questions to respond with? how often do we wish we could better relate – even to the people with whom we are closest?
how much of the time we spend listening to someone else, are we looking for something they say that we can tie to our own experience? in order to understand them and their feelings, and ultimately create a response, we connect their stories with our own. is there really such a thing as having a pure understanding of another person? or is it only possible to think about them, through our own lens?
i feel like the only real way a conversation goes from being based on the loose and generalised pattern i have proposed to an actual relationship, is through shared experience. we fall into our deepest connections with others because of shared experience. we can know everything about each other’s personal experiences, but it is only when we share something, that it becomes real. it is rare to convey and have another person appreciate the feeling of your existence, and that is why it is so enchanting to feel the same thing at the same time in almost the same way as someone else. when we have a shared experience, it seems to be the closest we can get to genuine and selfless understanding. no wonder it makes us fall in love, and also why love feels so rare.
saw this post on tumblr ^^ and because nobody would ever message me, i decided that categorising 2016 suits my personality/asd perfectly.
January: wearing loose dresses, my boyfriend’s tiny bedroom, eating out at a lot of vegan cafes, david bowie, schooling stresses, south coast, staying up late, anxiety.
February: another bout of depression, duloxetine, very teary and very tired, prison break, careers advisers.
March: afternoon drives, being constantly behind in all aspects of my life, wasting time, drake, gaining weight on new meds, wearing different clothes to usual, stopped caring about my fleshy vessel.
April: lots of trips to the city when i should have been doing other things, kylie jenner, exploring historical local places, running into an unpleasant ex-friend and pretending it didn’t happen.
May: birthdays, picnics, walks, reflection, no make-up, kokedama.
June: cold days, dr house, the getaway, the zoo, vivid, a lot of scalp picking, walking alone in the city.
July: cold nights in the city, lookouts, abandoned places, birthday, truth, ice skating, cemeteries.
August: soy flat white, very weird clothing combinations, melanie martinez, wooloomooloo.
September: indecision, jennifer johnson, dr house!, scabs galore.
October: study – all day, every day, the noose in the garden tree, lookouts, sweet potato brownies, gilmore girls, dallas petrie, shorter hair, black pants.
November: stranger things, lady gaga, gym, plans and lists, the end of an era.
December: grey’s anatomy, heaps of free time, sadness about new beginnings, self-satisfaction, disbelief, becoming a real adult with a drivers license, university, road tripping, happiness, duloxetine withdrawals.