when religion faded from my life i felt quite concerned by my absolute impermanence. would my family go somewhere i wasn’t allowed? would i really never see them again if i didn’t have a god? would good things happen on earth that i would miss out on? would i miss the best sunrise or sunset there had ever been? why did i collect so many things in a brain that was destined to decompose?
i spent time musing on the two very conflicting approaches to accepting death: spiritual eternity or embracing impermanence. a lot of people choose to believe that life goes on and on and on in different realms, but is it really living fully to never assume that there is a very probable nothingness; not only for us but for the entire universe and whatever lies beyond?
i found comfort in the total impossibility of ever being alive. it was totally impossible that this universe and this planet and this person were ever even created. i can’t even comprehend where nothingness existed before some tiny speck of light created us and the expanse of earth, nature and heaven we will never really understand. there was no reason for it to become and no reason for it to remain and no reason for it to end, but it did and it does and it will.
that is what gives me comfort – that i have been allowed some completely strange and impossible period of time to experience something so unlikely. i find comfort in the fact that i will end, but every step taken will have been a complete coincidence. i find comfort in the fact that i will end, but even more quickly than that fading breath, a speck of light will obliterate everything. death isn’t to be taken personally. it isn’t the end, it isn’t the beginning, it’s just something that happens by chance. the universe and the expanse beyond knowledge will be completely gone. earth will be gone and everything will be nothing…not just me.