*this is primarily referencing depression as that is what i have had personal experience with. i write this from my own view point and do not mean to offend.*
Over the years, I have been told by people who should know better, to “Pull yourself out of it.” Annoying quotes fed to me, about positive thinking and how feeding the ‘bad wolf’ will only make it stronger. “Just stop the self-pitying.”
It infuriates me how one body and the sicknesses affecting that body, is divided into parts. The brain is treated differently because we like to think that we are in control of it and it’s functioning. Yet, the majority of our functioning is subconscious and automatic.
My question to those people is: if we are in control of our brains to the point where we can will ourselves out of depression, why can’t we will our brains to stop our hearts from beating? Or our lungs from requiring oxygen? Or our cells from dying and multiplying? Why is it that we KNOW we have no control over the majority of our functioning, yet people still seem to believe that depression occurs in the conscious mind – we choose to be depressed?
Furthermore, the role we play in being able to help ourselves in the face of mental illness is so highly criticised in comparison to the control we have to help ourselves with other illnesses. Why is ‘letting yourself’ fall into the hands of depression frowned upon, yet people clog their own arteries with fat, fill their own lungs with tar and let their skin burn? We are suddenly more cautious about telling them that they shouldn’t have let themselves ‘fall into’ whatever health condition they have. The difference is, those examples can be as a direct result of our choices, whereas depression can affect anyone at any time and often for no reason.
i sat opposite all of them, and i could not longer see their faces. instead, i saw beating hearts. that made me scared because i realised who i am doing this for – my heart.
since this experience i have been thinking and visualising my body processing everything i put into it. i see it struggling with the fat and sugar and chemicals – more effort than they are worth. i feel nervous when i do this. i begin to feel the strain of my body as it sorts through unwanted food and drink items.
i eat mostly good food, but too much of it. the other food (the bad food) should not be in my diet at all. the reason i eat things that are ‘bad’ is because i rely on food for a sensory experience. the reason i eat too much of good foods is also because of my psychological connection to food. i want to be stimulated by taste to derive pleasure.
animals are all a standard size until they are domesticated and exposed to our food psychology. they eat for hunger, survival and nothing else. there is no pleasure, no treating or cheating. food is just food.
the culture of over eating and over buying and waste scares me. i go into a supermarket and i realise how much of the food is psychological foods – for our minds, not our bodies and brains. it has got to be 50% of what is available. how often do we eat for our minds, but not our brains?
i have also realised my aversion to feeling hunger. the minute it begins, it sparks an undeniable desire to eat and feel totally comfortable. i want to know hunger for a while – as it sets in and is a genuine physiological stimuli.
i want food to become just food for me. i don’t want to have cravings because of my psychological bonds with food. we all eat too much. we are all straying from the biological potential of our form.
for the next month (starting five days ago) i want to eat food as food. i will enjoy it for satisfying hunger and sustaining my life but i don’t want to eat anything for pleasure, even if it is moderated. this might be because i am depressed, but it feels like a good idea for now.