saffron’s

she now sits at the table with a confident laugh

and a confident posture

and a confident sense of humour

and a confident boyfriend.

she used to sit opposite me at saffron’s fish and chip shop

at the pool and at the beach

at family dinners

at the foot of our shared ambitions

at the beginning of our days

at the end of our days.

i am happy being strangers – it has a warmth and a comfort, existing in the memory of where we’ve been.

but i forgot to remember how long it has been.

 

 

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let it be (song associations)

i don’t know why i crawled through wet and muddy grass in dry-clean only clothes.

rainy school day in the middle of the beautifully manicured grounds, i was faced down in the grass. blades of grass like razor blades on opened skin, i cried with helplessness and biological turmoil.

escorted by pseudo-caring teachers to the safety of the office and the promise of mum. i lost my way into a garden of many azalea bushes.

wet mulch, wet leaves, wet flowers, wet me.

i took off clothes as a nod to my non-conformity. an audience of five on the edge of the garden. i laid down in wet mulch, wet leaves, wet flowers, wearing only stockings and bra. wet me.

sad me. crying me. screaming me. screaming so that everyone could hear.

me.

why did i do that? and in dry-clean only clothes…!

he entered the garden bed and scooped me up and put me in the car and didn’t say a word and left me and i put the radio on and i kept crying and ‘let it be’ was on the radio and mum drove me home.

and i was fine.

 

white album (album associations)

on the 9th, we met in the middle of the street. he had a bouquet of flowers wrapped in purple tissue paper and i had a pretty face, skinny legs and the most adorable ignorance ever.

back home to a warm house on a winter night, a cold, confused family and a big wok of prawn pad thai.

a red candle with an unknown scent burned nostalgically in the middle of the table as i carefully peeled sticky tape from pretty wrapping paper – doc martens, a retro sweater and the white album.

loving eyes blinked back tears, and i decided to be happy that i was living my 15th year, rather than sad about how fast time was passing.

in my bedroom, the cd spun in the pink stereo i had received on that day eleven years prior.

i sang crazily and ironically to ‘birthday’ with every intention of making him cringe. he performed ‘why dont we do it in the road?’ bollywood style, with the same intention.

i went to sleep in my bed and he went to sleep in the guest bed. on the 10th, we went ice skating.

2013 associations

January – my boyfriend went away, lots of elliptical trainer, marina and the diamonds, depression relapse, trying to be vegetarian but sneaking chicken.

February – bun donuts, ed relapse, sickly and hot, being really bad at school, going out with friends, wearing all black, melbourne, fifty shades of grey trilogy.

March – younger-stranger-boy (YSB) shows interest in me, self-hatred/self-harm, shitty counselors who suggest watching comedy as a real solution, wishing everyone loved me.

April – really gothic, badly behaved at school, a lot of writing on walls and throwing tantrums, ignoring my boyfriend, getting a little chubby, always hungry.

May – YSB becomes interesting at the football oval in tight shorts, started wearing glasses for emotional protection, sitting alone in class, heaps of make up.

June – broke up with forever lover, started getting desperate, thought i was in love with everyone, the 1975, writing a lot of songs, eye liner.

July –  committed to vegetarian, joined the gym and started caring about my health, vowed to never self harm again, watching movies with YSB, a clockwork orange, train station.

August – never trying and never failing, kinda falling in love, eating sushi, harold and maude, secret suitcase filled with idiot stuff, the blue house in the valley, winter nights and ill-fitting clothes.

September – getting thinner in a good way, getting happier but couldn’t commit, lots of gal pals and nights out to dinner, artpop and bangerz, 100% vegetarian.

October – driving late at night, dating YSB for real, britney spears, prism, hot spring days in the city, buying too many clothes with too little money.

November – planning an idealistic future, nights in syd, wasabi peas and cranberries, low self-esteem narcissist, uncomfortable shoes, cemetery.

December – thought that my life and i were perfect, thought i was going be to okay, thought i could do it, thought i would be successful, planning for the future, became vegan again, really lost and really pretty.