white album (album associations)

on the 9th, we met in the middle of the street. he had a bouquet of flowers wrapped in purple tissue paper and i had a pretty face, skinny legs and the most adorable ignorance ever.

back home to a warm house on a winter night, a cold, confused family and a big wok of prawn pad thai.

a red candle with an unknown scent burned nostalgically in the middle of the table as i carefully peeled sticky tape from pretty wrapping paper – doc martens, a retro sweater and the white album.

loving eyes blinked back tears, and i decided to be happy that i was living my 15th year, rather than sad about how fast time was passing.

in my bedroom, the cd spun in the pink stereo i had received on that day eleven years prior.

i sang crazily and ironically to ‘birthday’ with every intention of making him cringe. he performed ‘why dont we do it in the road?’ bollywood style, with the same intention.

i went to sleep in my bed and he went to sleep in the guest bed. on the 10th, we went ice skating.


2013 associations

January – my boyfriend went away, lots of elliptical trainer, marina and the diamonds, depression relapse, trying to be vegetarian but sneaking chicken.

February – bun donuts, ed relapse, sickly and hot, being really bad at school, going out with friends, wearing all black, melbourne, fifty shades of grey trilogy.

March – younger-stranger-boy (YSB) shows interest in me, self-hatred/self-harm, shitty counselors who suggest watching comedy as a real solution, wishing everyone loved me.

April – really gothic, badly behaved at school, a lot of writing on walls and throwing tantrums, ignoring my boyfriend, getting a little chubby, always hungry.

May – YSB becomes interesting at the football oval in tight shorts, started wearing glasses for emotional protection, sitting alone in class, heaps of make up.

June – broke up with forever lover, started getting desperate, thought i was in love with everyone, the 1975, writing a lot of songs, eye liner.

July –  committed to vegetarian, joined the gym and started caring about my health, vowed to never self harm again, watching movies with YSB, a clockwork orange, train station.

August – never trying and never failing, kinda falling in love, eating sushi, harold and maude, secret suitcase filled with idiot stuff, the blue house in the valley, winter nights and ill-fitting clothes.

September – getting thinner in a good way, getting happier but couldn’t commit, lots of gal pals and nights out to dinner, artpop and bangerz, 100% vegetarian.

October – driving late at night, dating YSB for real, britney spears, prism, hot spring days in the city, buying too many clothes with too little money.

November – planning an idealistic future, nights in syd, wasabi peas and cranberries, low self-esteem narcissist, uncomfortable shoes, cemetery.

December – thought that my life and i were perfect, thought i was going be to okay, thought i could do it, thought i would be successful, planning for the future, became vegan again, really lost and really pretty.

“we’re a medical family”

*written on the spot tonight, inspired by annoyance*


“we’re a medical family”

so we talk about arthritis,

we talk about antibiotics, diarrhea, cystitis

about urinary tract infections and back pain,

we talk about diabetes, blood pressure and weight gain.


about sinus infections and tonsils and acne,

warts, constipation, rashes and weak knees,

broken limbs and bumps and melanoma,

fissures and tumors and haematoma.


polyps and flu and blurry vision,

colonoscopy, precautions and kidney aneurysm,

a common cold or headache, nausea, thrombosis,

nothing to hide in our diagnosis.


until we are lazy and never get out of bed,

because for some silly reason we can’t get out of our head.


until we’re forgetting our granddaughter’s name,

because our neurons are tangling inside our brain.


until we are thinning in front of the mirror,

but no slim reflection could make us touch dinner.


until the compulsions have become excessive,

and we know there’s no need but the thought is obsessive.


so here’s to creams and butters and lotions,

to capsules and powders and pills and potions.


so go to the cabinet for symptoms and signs,

but you’ll get over it if it’s just in your mind.

unpopular opinion: making space for the stranger

I often feel that people use conversation as an opportunity to hear themselves bounce off another person – to look at their reflection in someone else.

I don’t really think we draw other people to us, I think they entice themselves to us. They construct a curiosity which allows them to make space for us, the stranger, which simultaneously allows them to derive gratification from having someone else interested in them. Interaction appears primarily as an opportunity to confirm our own likability, and often comes from an inherent need relevant to personal circumstances.

They talk, but who are they talking for? They talk about themselves and their lives but they have heard the story before. Do they like hearing the story? Does it sound better every time they recount it? Do they like the positive responses to their carefully cultivated and routinely repeated story?

depression is a choice

*this is primarily referencing depression as that is what i have had personal experience with. i write this from my own view point and do not mean to offend.*

Over the years, I have been told by people who should know better, to “Pull yourself out of it.” Annoying quotes fed to me, about positive thinking and how feeding the ‘bad wolf’ will only make it stronger. “Just stop the self-pitying.”

It infuriates me how one body and the sicknesses affecting that body, is divided into parts. The brain is treated differently because we like to think that we are in control of it and it’s functioning. Yet, the majority of our functioning is subconscious and automatic.

My question to those people is: if we are in control of our brains to the point where we can will ourselves out of depression, why can’t we will our brains to stop our hearts from beating? Or our lungs from requiring oxygen? Or our cells from dying and multiplying? Why is it that we KNOW we have no control over the majority of our functioning, yet people still seem to believe that depression occurs in the conscious mind – we choose to be depressed?

Furthermore, the role we play in being able to help ourselves in the face of mental illness is so highly criticised in comparison to the control we have to help ourselves with other illnesses. Why is ‘letting yourself’ fall into the hands of depression frowned upon, yet people clog their own arteries with fat, fill their own lungs with tar and let their skin burn? We are suddenly more cautious about telling them that they shouldn’t have let themselves ‘fall into’ whatever health condition they have. The difference is, those examples can be as a direct result of our choices, whereas depression can affect anyone at any time and often for no reason.

brain vs mind food (potential trigger)

i sat opposite all of them, and i could not longer see their faces. instead, i saw beating hearts. that made me scared because i realised who i am doing this for – my heart.

since this experience i have been thinking and visualising my body processing everything i put into it. i see it struggling with the fat and sugar and chemicals – more effort than they are worth. i feel nervous when i do this. i begin to feel the strain of my body as it sorts through unwanted food and drink items.

i eat mostly good food, but too much of it. the other food (the bad food) should not be in my diet at all. the reason i eat things that are ‘bad’ is because i rely on food for a sensory experience. the reason i eat too much of good foods is also because of my psychological connection to food. i want to be stimulated by taste to derive pleasure.

animals are all a standard size until they are domesticated and exposed to our food psychology. they eat for hunger, survival and nothing else. there is no pleasure, no treating or cheating. food is just food.

the culture of over eating and over buying and waste scares me. i go into a supermarket and i realise how much of the food is psychological foods – for our minds, not our bodies and brains. it has got to be 50% of what is available. how often do we eat for our minds, but not our brains?

i have also realised my aversion to feeling hunger. the minute it begins, it sparks an undeniable desire to eat and feel totally comfortable. i want to know hunger for a while – as it sets in and is a genuine physiological stimuli.

i want food to become just food for me. i don’t want to have cravings because of my psychological bonds with food. we all eat too much. we are all straying from the biological potential of our form.

for the next month (starting five days ago) i want to eat food as food. i will enjoy it for satisfying hunger and sustaining my life but i don’t want to eat anything for pleasure, even if it is moderated. this might be because i am depressed, but it feels like a good idea for now.

unpopular opinion: closeness

if we can never really relate to each other the way we wish we could and the way we try to, how is it that we can feel such closeness? it’s probably because we need to keep ourselves close to the parts of our self we share externally. we feel intimate with other people because we know that somewhere within them, we have imbued a part of ourselves – through stories, time, emotions, expressions. it is crucial to our social and emotional survival that we don’t let what we perceive to be our personal truths, out to too many people. once we let a person know, we must keep those people close to us. essentially, we form bonds to keep ourselves safe and happy.