depression is a choice

*this is primarily referencing depression as that is what i have had personal experience with. i write this from my own view point and do not mean to offend.*

Over the years, I have been told by people who should know better, to “Pull yourself out of it.” Annoying quotes fed to me, about positive thinking and how feeding the ‘bad wolf’ will only make it stronger. “Just stop the self-pitying.”

It infuriates me how one body and the sicknesses affecting that body, is divided into parts. The brain is treated differently because we like to think that we are in control of it and it’s functioning. Yet, the majority of our functioning is subconscious and automatic.

My question to those people is: if we are in control of our brains to the point where we can will ourselves out of depression, why can’t we will our brains to stop our hearts from beating? Or our lungs from requiring oxygen? Or our cells from dying and multiplying? Why is it that we KNOW we have no control over the majority of our functioning, yet people still seem to believe that depression occurs in the conscious mind – we choose to be depressed?

Furthermore, the role we play in being able to help ourselves in the face of mental illness is so highly criticised in comparison to the control we have to help ourselves with other illnesses. Why is ‘letting yourself’ fall into the hands of depression frowned upon, yet people clog their own arteries with fat, fill their own lungs with tar and let their skin burn? We are suddenly more cautious about telling them that they shouldn’t have let themselves ‘fall into’ whatever health condition they have. The difference is, those examples can be as a direct result of our choices, whereas depression can affect anyone at any time and often for no reason.

brain vs mind food (potential trigger)

i sat opposite all of them, and i could not longer see their faces. instead, i saw beating hearts. that made me scared because i realised who i am doing this for – my heart.

since this experience i have been thinking and visualising my body processing everything i put into it. i see it struggling with the fat and sugar and chemicals – more effort than they are worth. i feel nervous when i do this. i begin to feel the strain of my body as it sorts through unwanted food and drink items.

i eat mostly good food, but too much of it. the other food (the bad food) should not be in my diet at all. the reason i eat things that are ‘bad’ is because i rely on food for a sensory experience. the reason i eat too much of good foods is also because of my psychological connection to food. i want to be stimulated by taste to derive pleasure.

animals are all a standard size until they are domesticated and exposed to our food psychology. they eat for hunger, survival and nothing else. there is no pleasure, no treating or cheating. food is just food.

the culture of over eating and over buying and waste scares me. i go into a supermarket and i realise how much of the food is psychological foods – for our minds, not our bodies and brains. it has got to be 50% of what is available. how often do we eat for our minds, but not our brains?

i have also realised my aversion to feeling hunger. the minute it begins, it sparks an undeniable desire to eat and feel totally comfortable. i want to know hunger for a while – as it sets in and is a genuine physiological stimuli.

i want food to become just food for me. i don’t want to have cravings because of my psychological bonds with food. we all eat too much. we are all straying from the biological potential of our form.

for the next month (starting five days ago) i want to eat food as food. i will enjoy it for satisfying hunger and sustaining my life but i don’t want to eat anything for pleasure, even if it is moderated. this might be because i am depressed, but it feels like a good idea for now.

unpopular opinion: closeness

if we can never really relate to each other the way we wish we could and the way we try to, how is it that we can feel such closeness? it’s probably because we need to keep ourselves close to the parts of our self we share externally. we feel intimate with other people because we know that somewhere within them, we have imbued a part of ourselves – through stories, time, emotions, expressions. it is crucial to our social and emotional survival that we don’t let what we perceive to be our personal truths, out to too many people. once we let a person know, we must keep those people close to us. essentially, we form bonds to keep ourselves safe and happy.

2014 associations

January: being in love with the wrong person, not eating enough, aspiring to be as ‘sexy’ as possible, working out four times per week, break up, high expectations, resentment.

February: dating ex and hiding from other ex, anorexia, trying to be perfect, carrying a large binder around school and being studious and focused, lots of gym, make up obsession, disappointing myself.

March: stopped dating ex, sliding into depression, withdrawing from everyone, really good abs/legs/ butt, listening to the smiths a lot, road trip to the mountains, really long nails always perfectly painted, bryana holly, thought my face was very ugly.

April: not coping with anything, staying home from school, alone at lunch time, back with ex-ex, always wearing plaits, feeling nothing.

May: always staying home and never talking to anyone, always having a cold, listening to ultraviolence, writing sad songs, losing weight – 45kg.

June: confused 100% of the time, boyfriend cheated, break up, lost 5kg, took fluoxetine and became suicidal, spent every school day in sick bay.

July: felt nothing, planned my funeral, ignored everyone, stopped going to school.

August: left school on the pretense that it was a temporary break, blogilates all day, suicidal, the vampire diaries, very pretty face/ugly soul.

September: didn’t return to school, kept watching tv all day, ariana grande, mum went to france, left alone, snow, a lot of gym, grandma and grandpa, stopped taking fluoxetine.

October: got a job and worked all day everyday, crunches, masturbaton, gossip girl, fell in obsession with the japanese chef, 1989, underpaid and always tired.

November: work, money, weight gain, regret, depression eased and reality set in, applied for distance education to repeat, jaded, spiteful.

December: warm and fuzzy, writing poetry, ten don, love (actually just weird obsession), worried about body, wearing sexy clothes.

the fleshy vessel – create yourself

we identify with out attractiveness. we identify with our beauty, while ignoring the way we are built – biologically and spiritually. we spend too much time trying to perfect the beauty of our physical appearance, when it isn’t ours to take credit for. we feel satisfied and flattered when our outward attractiveness is noticed, but we played no role it creating that face. why do we keep taking credit for our unlikely appearance, which is ultimately impermanent?

it is totally impossible that we even ended up with the faces we have; it required intricate genetic combinations which could have been dramatically reformed by any small generational alteration which occurred at some point over millions of years. it would have been very easy and likely for every face to be completely different or not exist at all, so why do we spend so much time hating and trying to perfect something which is not even ours to love, hate, or take credit for? credit goes to the intricate web of nature, and we have no part in deciding how these faces turn out.

we do have a part in deciding how we construct our soul. we construct the person we are and our soul essence through what we ‘feed’ ourselves. we can take credit for having a beautiful soul because we have the choice to fuel the soul everyday, in a way that can change and improve it, or destroy it.

every explanation of death and afterlife affirms the impermanence and ultimate disappearance of the physical self, but says that a spiritual essence lives on. why do we continue to take credit for something we play no role in creating and something which will decompose, when we can create a beautiful soul, take genuine credit for the person we are and perhaps have that soul live on in another dimension?  appearance is an accessory to our consciousness, so stop accesssorising a petty face with a personality and create yourself.

unpopular opinions: how much is too much?

Why do people fear being alone? Why is it that people site being alone as one of the more difficult and unpleasant  everyday experiences? I don’t really know if we ever experience being truly alone anymore; we have too many things available to distract us from ourselves. However, I feel that to spend time alone without being distracted from ourselves is probably one of the most valuable and enlightening things we can do.

I feel the fear of being alone, stems from our fear of confronting our unpleasantness. Being alone for ‘too long’ is the point at which we start to see and experience our worst qualities – the qualities we suppress and try to hide from ourselves and especially from the world. We shy away from experiencing negative thoughts in the name of staying positive, but I’ve never believed it is helpful it it is to deny responsibility for our unpleasantness.

Some say that it is best and right to suppress the natural unpleasantness which occurs within all of us, and live as normally as possible. However, I want to challenge that and push through the point of being alone for ‘too long’, to a point where we have to confront and accept how difficult we can be. Learn how nice you can be; your interests and what is interesting about you. Feel good about that, but don’t label your difficult ~things~ with badness or guilt in contrast.

When you feel like you’ve been alone too long, sit with it. Listen to your unpleasantness, know your unpleasantness, but don’t feel bad about it. Rather, take responsibility for what makes you difficult or irritating. Unpleasantness within is not circumstantial or a passing phase; it is a fixed weight to balance our spectrum of being human.

I feel like it is unrealistic to jump to defense when people find us difficult. Rather, take responsibility for what makes you hard to live with or sometimes hard to love. Take responsibility for and understand that you can be loved as a full and dynamic person. Don’t beat yourself up for exposing your unpleasantness to those you love, instead of focusing solely on being lovable.

It is when responsibility for our unpleasantness has been accepted, that love becomes a full experience. Love becomes a shared experience based on admiration and generosity towards what is unappealing about each other. While it feels good to be loved and admired for our good qualities, it is totally permissible and fair to expose your unpleasantness honestly to those who are close, and have our weaknesses inspire kindness.

unpopular opinion: how i comfort myself in the face of death without a certain god

when religion faded from my life i felt quite concerned by my absolute impermanence. would my family go somewhere i wasn’t allowed? would i really never see them again if i didn’t have a god? would good things happen on earth that i would miss out on? would i miss the best sunrise or sunset there had ever been? why did i collect so many things in a brain that was destined to decompose?

i spent time musing on the two very conflicting approaches to accepting death: spiritual eternity or embracing impermanence. a lot of people choose to believe that life goes on and on and on in different realms, but is it really living fully to never assume that there is a very probable nothingness; not only for us but for the entire universe and whatever lies beyond?

i found comfort in the total impossibility of ever being alive. it was totally impossible that this universe and this planet and this person were ever even created. i can’t even comprehend where nothingness existed before some tiny speck of light created us and the expanse of earth, nature and heaven we will never really understand. there was no reason for it to become and no reason for it to remain and no reason for it to end, but it did and it does and it will.

that is what gives me comfort – that i have been allowed some completely strange and impossible period of time to experience something so unlikely. i find comfort in the fact that i will end, but every step taken will have been a complete coincidence. i find comfort in the fact that i will end, but even more quickly than that fading breath, a speck of light will obliterate everything. death isn’t to be taken personally. it isn’t the end, it isn’t the beginning, it’s just something that happens by chance. the universe and  the expanse beyond knowledge will be completely gone. earth will be gone and everything will be nothing…not just me.